


I don't know what I should desire

by 4ever_yours2



Category: Riverdale - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2020-11-25 18:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20916920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4ever_yours2/pseuds/4ever_yours2
Summary: Fred And FP finally began dating after working past FP’s relationship issues, but Fred kept a huge secret from him. Now it’s coming back to bite him, and he has to deal with the fallout.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sequel to 'Do you desire me like I desire you?' and picks up right from that ending so I recommend you read that before this one.  
Link to that fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15699540/chapters/36485310
> 
> So if you've seen (maybe not) I have added 'NON-CANON' beside the original sequel fic and that is because I absolutely hate it. Immediately after I posted that second chapter I knew that it did no justice to the first story and the characters. I am so sorry to those who wanted a sequel and got *that*. Until recently I did not want to return to it, simply because I was ashamed of it and I've warred with myself on deleting it or not. Ultimately, I won't. So finally I've return to re-do this story, that original squeal fic is NOT CANON, ok? I hope this does more justice to these characters.  
FYI, yes this first chapter is almost the same to the other one (just some changes), however each subsequent chapter will be different.

Fred whips around to see FP standing there in a state of shock, the glass cup he held lays shattered at his feet, he whispers "What?" In a voice so hollow and broken it stabs Fred's heart

"Fred" Mary says, Fred looks back over her "This is your son Archie"

Fred's mouth opens and shuts, like a fish out of water, but he can't make any sound come out.

"You cheated" FP whispers, Fred looks back over at him. FP has tears in his eyes, and Fred reaches out to him. But before he could touch him FP bolts out the back door "FP wait!" Fred yells as he rushes after him, but stops at the entryway of the back door because he couldn't see FP anymore.

He walks back to Mary, who's still in the front entryway, he whispers "How?"

A stern look crosses Mary's face "Remember that party Alice threw last year?"

Fred nods

"We banged there, unsafely apparently"

"So that's why nobody saw you much at school"

Mary nods

"Why'd you-" he whispers, stuttering on his words "Why'd you have to announce it like that?"

"I did not realize FP was at your house, or that either of you were together. I'm sorry if my actions caused you any harm"

Archie starts crying, Mary shushes him with gentle rocking motions "Do you want to hold him?"

Fred nods mutely, kind of stuck in a trance. He motions for her to come into the living room and sit on the couch beside him. Gently she hands over Archie and Fred holds him softly. He stares in awe at Archie's face, at the wonder of this beautiful creature before him. But something nags at him "Mary, I-" Archie makes a noise and Fred stops and stare for a moment "I cannot be with you" Mary looks hurt

"However I can co-parent with you, if you'd like. I just cannot be in a relationship with you at this moment, I've got to deal with FP and hope he and I can work through this"

Mary's look of hurt turns to understanding "I understand, and I'm truly sorry for the harm I've caused"

Fred nods and hands Archie back over to her carefully. He stands up and helps her to stand also "I have to go after FP" he walks her to the door "But do call me if you need anything, and I would love to see our kid more" he smiles as they stop in the doorway

"Of course" Mary smiles at him and leaves. Fred watches her walk down the pavement and to her own car, settling Archie in his seat before maneuvering to the driver seat and driving away.

* * *

FP storms away, hurt and anger and betrayal eating his heart. He can't see clearly, can't tell where he's going. He sees a sign for a corner market near South Side, and buys a bottle of alcohol. The cashier doesn't card him, so he leaves quickly. He takes sips of the burning liquid as he wonders.

He ends up at the abandoned railway station.

He sits in one of the empty train carts, rusty nails and rubbish sit around him as he drinks.

Fred cheated on him.

Worst off that cheating resulted in a kid, even worst than that it was with Mary!

FP can feel the tears spill down his face as he stands and punches the side of the cart, once, twice, three times, four.

It doesn't quell the ache in his heart.

He slides down to the ground, slams his fist into the rubble and screams in agony.

If he'd kept to his motto of no serious relationships maybe he wouldn't feel this bad.

Ah, who's he kidding? No matter if he was or wasn't in a relationship with Fred he'd always known that he felt something towards the man.

An idea strikes him like lightning, he stares unfocused at the train's wheel. If that baby is one month old, and she would've carried it for about nine months, that means Fred slept with her...

FP shuffles through his hazy memories, through the alcohol and tidal waves of emotions he’s going through.

_'Think, FP, think! What was something serious that happened then?'_

Then, then it clicks.

Alice's party.

God, he remembers that party like it was yesterday.

After all he was a total jackass, so was this his fault? Had he not yelled at Fred could this of been prevented?

He punches the rubble once more and screams.

"FP!" He turns, through his hazy vision he sees Fred’s blurry outline. He looks back at the train wheel and seethes "Leave me alone"

Fred pleads "Please let me explain" 

"Explain what? You knocked up Mary, congrats" FP says bitterly

Fred drops to the ground beside FP "No please, I didn't mean to. Hell I don't even remember doing it" he reaches out to FP. But FP flinches back like his hand is acid, the tears once staining his face have been replaced by anger "Don't touch me, I can't trust you right now"

Hurt floods Fred, but he understands "FP, please"

"I told you I can't do something serious cause everyone cheats on me" FP stands, as does Fred. "I thought you'd be different, cause you were my best friend and I knew how loyal you were"

The bitterness in FP's voice is clear "But I was wrong, apparently the universe hates me cause I keep getting cheated on" Hurt clouds his eyes "Even by the people I once considered my best friend, someone who knows how tough it is for me to even consider serious dating again"

"FP, please, I'm so sorry. Tell me what I can do to make this right"

"Leave me alone"

Hurt crosses Fred's eyes "What?"

A mix of anger and sadness enter FP's voice "I don't want to see you. I- I have to process this, and decide whether or not I'll forgive you and I need time for that"

Fred nods mutely, "Ok"

FP grabs his drink and walks away.

Fred stands there and hugs himself as the tears roll down his face.

He doesn't know how long he stands there for, but he knows FP is long gone before he collects himself and leaves.

When he enters his house it's quiet, empty, dark. But he can see the outline of the broken glass still on the floor. He flips the light on and quickly cleans up the mess carefully. Without much else to do downstairs he goes upstairs to his room.

The sight is more depressing than downstairs.

Anything that FP had is gone. And the ache in his chest comes back on so strongly that he drops to the floor. He clutches his chest as the tears come back.

Fred can't help the crushing thoughts of _'This is all my fault._

_I practically cornered him about being in a relationship with me._

_I was stupid enough to get drunk and sleep with Mary._

_I knew how he felt and I still trampled on his fragile heart. I should've told him'_

* * *

The days go by in a blur, until he hears the front door unlock and his mother calls out "Freddie! FP! We're home"

Fred stands slowly, dizziness kicks him for a moment before he goes into the bathroom to wash his face, hoping he looks somewhat decent. Then he goes downstairs to his parents "Hey" he greets them in the lounge

His mother hugs him tightly "We missed you"

"Where's FP?" His father questions

Fred feels apprehensive "He's uh..."

"He's what?" His mother questions curiously

"We had a bit of a fight and I don't know where he went or when he's coming back"

His parents share a look, his father says "Oh"

His mother smiles reassuringly "I'm sure he'll be back in no time"

Fred nods, but he knows that isn't true. Then a thought he'd put on the back burner kicks him "Can I make a call?"

"Sure" his mother says. Fred walks over to the house phone and calls Mary.

It only takes a moment for her to pick up "Hello?"

"Hey Mary it's Fred"

"Oh, hi"

"I was thinking we should tell my parents about...him"

"...Are you sure?"

He laughs nervously "Not entirely but we just have to"

"Ok should I come over now?"

"Yes, see you soon"

"Bye"

They both hang up, then Fred goes back into the lounge room but his father isn't there. "Where'd dad go?"

"He's just putting our luggage away"

Fred nods and wait for his father to get back. It only takes a few minutes. He faces his parents sitting on the couch "I, uh, have to tell you two something"

They stare at him in question, his father asks "What is it?"

The doorbell rings, "That would be it"

He goes over to the front door and lets Mary, whose holding Archie, in. He leads the pair over to the lounge where his parents wait.

"Mum, dad, this is Mary" he pats her shoulder, then moves his hand over Archie's leg "And this is our kid Archie"

Shock crosses over both parents faces, his mother the first to recover "We're grandparents?!" She stands and walks over to them and stares adoringly at Archie. Mary smiles and nods "Would you like to hold him?"

She nods eagerly. His mother leads them over to the couch as his father walks over to him. "Fred a word"

The others don't seem to notice the pair leave to the kitchen.

His father leans against the bench and Fred stands opposite to him.

"When did this happen?"

"At Alice's party"

"So are you two together?"

Fred shakes his head, no "No but we will co parent"

"Weren't you with FP then?"

Fred stares off, "Not...fully"

His father nods, after a moment he asks "Is this why he left?"

Fred nods reluctantly

"Have you two talked about this?"

"I tried but he told me to give him space"

"Just don't give up on him, ok?"

Fred nods

With an amused smile he adds "And be a decent father to that baby"

Fred gives a small smile of amusement too, his father pats him on the shoulder and guides them back to the lounge room.

"So this is my grandson?" He walks over to his mother and Mary. His mother carefully passes Archie over to him and his father's face lights up.


	2. Chapter 2

The following day Fred tries to locate FP again.

He starts off at the abandon railway station.

"FP!" He calls out as he checks the eerie interior of the station. The place is dark and doesn't seem like it was cared for in the last decade. "FP!" He checks behind the registers, nothing. He goes back outside, "FP!" He checks the train carts one by one, nothing. He checks the rest of the creepy station and finds nothing.

Then he goes over to the drive in movie theatre. He checks the booth, nothing. He checks the field, nothing. He checks the surrounding area, nothing.

He's got one last place to check,

South Side.

He checks service stations, mini marts, clubs, bars, anywhere FP might be.

He even asked some Serpents.

All come up empty handed.

So he tries one last place, the Serpent bar.

"ID" The bouncer asks

"Look I just need to know if FP is here" Fred pleads

Unfazed the bouncer asks once more "ID"

Fred sighs in annoyance and walks a few steps away from the bouncer, out of his field of vision Fred goes down the side alley. He blindly hopes there's a side door to get in. And he finds it, opened thankfully. He sneaks in and goes over to the bar, the bar keep eyes him suspiciously then asks "What do you want to drink?"

"Actually I was wondering if you knew if FP is here or not?"

The bar keep's eyes roam the bar for a second before saying "What do you need of him?"

"I just need to speak to him"

"About?"

Fred inwardly sighs, and knowing that he won't get far until he says something he outwardly states "Him and I were dating, but I hurt him and I would just like to soothe things over with him and find where our relationship stands"

The bar keep’s eyes harden "So you're the one who hurt him"

Fred's eyes shift to the ground "Yes"

"You don't deserve his attention-"

Fred stands, knowing where the conversation is heading and not wanting to hear nothing he hasn't already berated himself for he heads for the door. He opens it and the light blinds him momentarily. The bouncer curses at him as he leaves.

* * *

Walking into his own house there’s no sound and it is dark.

“Mum? Dad?” He calls, but no one answers

He walks through the house to his room without turning any of the lights on.

In his room he sits on the edge of his bed, eyes glazed over and not focusing on anything.

_‘Why did I tell him that I didn’t know? Of course I knew about sleeping with Mary, but Archie was news to me too’_

Fred holds his head, every single emotion hitting him square in the chest.

Guilt, anger, shame, sadness, frustration, despair, disgust, bitterness.

All the emotions he has no right to feel, _because this is all his fault._

He falls off the bed from the sheer force of it all, his knees hitting the carpet with a soft thud and his head hitting the carpet made even less noise.

He clutches his chest and tries to breath through all the conflicting emotions warring in his head and heart.

This is his mistake, his fault. 

He has to make this right, he has to give FP space.

He has to give...this time, and hope FP will at least talk to him again.

* * *

“Hey Freddie”

Fred shuts his locker and turns to the voice “Alice?”

She grins “Well, nice to see you too”

Fred nods “Yeah”

“Aw, can you not talk without FP here?” She teases lightly

She doesn’t know what happened to them, but Fred almost drops his book from the comment. He collects himself quickly, but he can tell from the slight shift in her demeanor that she caught that expression. Shrugging his shoulders in an excuse to hold his book more securely he tells her “I can talk just fine”

“Fred-“

The bell cuts her off

“Sorry” he tells her and rushes off to his next class.

He enters and there’s no sign of FP. He sits and waits, but as the teacher arrives and begins class Fred thinks more and more that FP isn’t going to show.

FP doesn’t show up at all, and Fred doesn’t see him anywhere at school either. He talked to Hermione and brought up FP too. But she hasn’t heard a word about him.

With the final bell going off he packs his bag and leaves immediately.

As he opens the front doors a voice from behind stops him “Fred!”

He freezes, and turns slowly “Hey, Alice”

She smiles like the devil “I want to speak with you”

“Right now?”

She nods “Follow me”

She turns without waiting for his reply, so Fred has no choice but to follow her.

She leads him to the editor room for their local school newspaper.

She opens the door and lets him in first, then closes the door behind them. She turns to him “What happened?”

“With what?”

“Don’t play dumb, with you and FP”

“Why-“

“I saw how you looked earlier, something is up. So, spill”

Fred sighs, not wanting to repeat it, but he does “I cheated on FP with Mary, now we have a kid together”

Shock spreads on her face “Oh, my god!” Her face morphs between excitement and anger. After a moment, her face settles on a frown “What happened to FP?”

“It went about as well as expected. He ran off and when I confronted him after he told me to leave him alone and give him space”

“And that’s going well?”

Fred shrugs “How can it? The man I love won’t talk to me cause I was dumb enough to cheat. It’s all my fault and I...I have to give him time” emotions hit him again and he breathes in to quell it “But what if he doesn’t ever want to talk to me again?”

Alice stands there, and takes in everything. After a moment of contemplation she says “This is FP we’re talking about, he’ll come around”

Fred shake his head “No, I’m not so sure this time. You didn’t see how hurt he was, Alice. He looked like the world had just crushed him”

Alice nods, unsure of what else to tell him.

“I have...I have to go, Alice”

She nods, and Fred takes his leave.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things I want to mention here about this chapter:  
1\. This chapter talks about FP’s initiation into the Serpents, and you would probably ask ‘Wait isn’t he already in the Serpents?’  
Technically, yes he is in the Serpents but he’s like...a junior or temporary member that hasn’t fully joined them yet, hence here the initiation ceremony.  
If that doesn’t clear anything up just comment and ask me what doesn’t make sense and I’ll try to clarify.  
2\. If it wasn't noticeable yet, I'm not American and I do not know any names for colleges and what's best for what degrees people want to get so I am very, very vague on college names.

Fred goes to the club again, but the bouncer stops him “Sorry kid, nobody but Serpents today”

“What? Why?”

“Club business”

Fred stares at the bouncer with confused eyes, but he doesn’t offer him anymore information.

Fred turns and leaves, ducking into the side alley and being careful not to get caught. He tries the side doors but they all appear locked. He notices a window and peeps through, but it’s barred and only seems to stare into a dark hall. He hears faint noises and looks for a better window.

He finds one unlocked on the upper floor. He sneaks around and up the side stairs. On the upper flow he creeps over to the window and crawls through, appearing to land in some spare room. He exits through the only door and follows the faint sound of a crowd. It leads him to a catwalk overlooking the first floor. Sticking to the shadows he peers down at the crowd. There’s dancing, and chanting, and loud music. There’s some people holding flaming torches and some holding live serpents. Five young men stand in the center of the crowd.

His breath hitches, he sees FP in that circle.

He wants to leap from his hiding spot and reach out to FP, talk to him, beg for his forgiveness. But he holds himself back, he doesn’t know if he is allowed to be here and what the consequences would be if he was found. So he stays put and observes.

“Now boys, I claim thee as new serpents!”

Fred realizes then and there that it’s an initiation ceremony.

_‘FP is going to fully join the Serpents?!’_

The announcer guy speaks again “Come over here for your jackets!” 

The five men move forward and start talking with the announcer guy.

After a few moments they are given leather jackets with the serpent logo on it.

Fred sees FP wonder off to the bar away from the crowd of people.

Fred chances it, he doesn’t want FP to leave again.

He slides out of the shadows and creeps downstairs, blending into the crowd until he reaches FP.

When he is a few inches from the man he whispers “FP”

The glass he’s holding thumps back to the wooden bar “What are you doing here?”

He doesn’t turn around, so Fred stands beside him “I need to talk to you”

“Nothing to talk about”

“Yes there is, FP please”

His eyes finally turn to Fred’s, and he can see the deep rage, the furious anger, the hidden sadness “Why? Go live your picture perfect life with your model wife and brilliant son”

Fred shakes his head “She’s not my dream. I’ve never wanted a shiny life, FP. I only wanted you, whether that entailed a four story mansion or shitty VW that was older than us combined, it doesn’t matter to me” Fred pleads “please talk to me”

“Leave”

“FP-“

FP stands, using his superior height to tower over him even though the height difference wasn’t much “I’m a Serpent now and I don’t want anything to do with you anymore”

Fred goes to respond, but the bartender cuts him off “FP, is there a problem?”

FP’s gaze never cuts away from Fred’s “No, Dave, Fred was just leaving”

Fred glances over to the bartender, and can see that now he has no choice.

He spares one last look to FP, and leaves.

* * *

Fred returns home, upon entering he spots the mail.

He thinks nothing of it and brings it inside. As he pushes the front door open and searches through the mail an envelope catches his eye.

He places the mail for his parents on the kitchen bench and takes his upstairs.

Sitting on his bed he stares at it with shaky hands, slowly he turns it and opens it.

He reads it, then re-reads it, and re-reads it once more.

He’s been accepted into his preferred college.

He stands ready to announce that he’s been accepted, but then he realizes nobody is home to celebrate with him.

Then the crushing thoughts of, what about FP?

If he accepts this he would have to leave, and he wants to fix this mess with FP first and foremost.

He sighs, FP wants space and has joined the Serpents fully now. Will there ever be a time to fix this? Will Fred ever get to talk to him again?

He gently places the acceptance letter on his bed side table. He goes downstairs and picks up the family phone, he tries to think of anyone FP would go to. 

But he comes up short.

He puts it down and presses his forehead against it, breathing in deeply to calm his thoughts.

He then picks up the phone and dials Mary’s number.

She picks up on the second ring “Hello?”

“Mary, hey, it’s Fred”

“Oh, hi Fred”

“I just wanted to let you know that in the fall I’m moving”

“What? Why?”

“For college”

“Oh”

“But I’ll see you and Archie in the breaks, ok?”

“Ok”

Fred lets the silence hang for a moment, then asks “Are you going to attend college?”

Mary huffs a laugh “No, I have Archie to look after”

Fred can detect a hint of bitterness in her tone

“Besides, my mother wants me to help her more with her store”

“Oh, well that’s good”

“I suppose”

...More uneasy silence.

“Well, I better let you go, Mary”

“Ok, thanks for telling me. Bye, Fred”

“Bye Mary” he puts the phone back into its holder.

* * *

Fred puts his utensils downs and looks up at his parents “Mum, dad”

Both look up at him, his mother putting her fork down and his father holding his in mid air

“I’ve been accepted into college”

His mother cheers “Yay!”

His father asks “Which one?”

“The one two states over”

His fathers nods “Yes, I know that one. Good choice” he resumes eating

“That’s so exciting! I’m so proud” his mother says “It starts this fall, right?”

“That’s right”

“That’s only in two months, wow. But Fred, I’m so proud” she smiles warmly at him

He smiles at her, then the two continue eating.

* * *

Fred doesn’t see FP at all, never at school, or in the streets, or at the bar which Fred thinks he’s banned at now but doesn’t know for sure. He never sees him when he wonders through South Side, or when he’s at the only local park with Mary and Archie.

It’s like he’s completely disappeared.

He’s never at the local arcade, or mall, or cinemas, or abandoned train station.

He’s never anywhere Fred checks.

He gives up when graduation is two weeks away, instead he writes a note to FP. He cannot leave their relationship like this, he has to tell him something.

So he writes it all down.

_FP_

_I know you don’t want to see me but I just have to tell you this,_

_I’m moving to college, the fancy one two states over. Remember how we made fun of it?_

_Yeah, I do. And I miss those nights with you, the days too._

_I’m sorry for cheating, and I know you would’ve had some twisted thought of how it was your fault but please believe me when I say it wasn’t. It was mine, and that’s my burden to bear. I’m just so sorry that it hurt you, and that I didn't tell you sooner. That’s something I don’t think I’ll ever get over._

_I know you won’t forgive me, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself either. Just please, talk to me?_

_If you never want to see me again, I wish you all the best then. Don’t shut yourself off from the world. Find someone who makes you happy, someone who makes you smile._

_-Fred_

Fred stares at it for a long moment, hoping it conveys everything.

It does, everything that he can express through words is written in this letter. He wishes beyond everything that he could verbally express this to FP. But with graduation and the move so close, he can’t afford to put this off anymore. So he seals the letter in an envelope that simply has ‘FP’ scrawled on the front and leaves his house and heads to the one place he knows FP would frequent, the Serpent bar in South Side.

Fred walks into the dimly lit bar.

“Well, well, Well” Fred looks up at that voice, it’s Dave. Fred can only assume that’s his name because that’s what FP called him. “Mark let you in finally?” The bartender holds the cleaning rag still atop the shiny wood of the bar

Fred nods, smiling with fake enthusiasm “I think he’s finally starting to like me”

Fred stops in front of the bar, his smile dropping “No, I just needed to get in quickly”

Dave eyes him suspiciously

Fred continues “I know FP doesn’t want to see me but I just need him to read this” Fred holds up the envelope “Could you please give this to him?” Fred looks down at the letter, guilt creeping into his voice “I understand that I was a shitty person to him, and him not talking to me is understandable” he looks back up at Dave, his eyes begging with deep sorrow “Just please, give this to him?”

Dave eyes him for a few hard moments, before sighing and saying “Sure” he takes the envelope

Fred breathes out like the weight of the world had just been taken off his shoulders and he smiles gratefully, but Dave can see that hint of sadness again. Fred says “Thank you, so much”

Without much more to say, Fred turns and leaves.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after FP leaves Fred in chapter 1, and follows a similar time frame.

FP leaves the railway station, never once turning back. It feels like his chest has been crushed and he can’t breath properly.

He downs more of the alcohol, every time he thinks of Fred all he can see is Mary and that baby.

Fred, his best friend, his loyal and open and trustworthy friend.

FP laughs bitterly as the bottle runs out.

He throws it to the ground, and it hits the gravel with a loud shatter, FP thinks _‘When you think you know a guy’_

He stops, he realizes now he’s got nowhere to go. His father hates him, his mother is dead, he has no true friends, and the place he was just at is now a hellhole.

...A hellhole that still has his stuff.

He marches back through South Side and over to Fred’s house. He scopes the area out, not wanting to see him, or any of them.

When he’s sure no one is home he enters through the back door, laughing at the fact that it isn’t locked.

He avoids the glass and heads up to Fred’s room, grabbing his backpack and anything that’s his.

He never had much to begin with, everything of his fits in his backpack, and maybe a small tote bag.

He glances back over the small room he once called home.

He recalls all the memories of him and Fred.

He quickly shakes his head as anger washes over him, he turns and leaves.

FP goes to the only place that will let him stay.

* * *

“Dave”

“Oh shit, FP!” The man teases lightly “You packin’ to ditch this joint?”

FP gives a small laugh “No, no. I, uh, was staying at my ex's place and I just found out he cheated, so I need a place to stay and was wondering if I could crash here for a bit?”

From the look in FP's eyes Dave can tell not to pry “Yeah man, sure” Dave puts his rag down and leads him upstairs “you know where all the facilities are, and don’t expect to pay rent or nothin’. You’re like family, man”

FP smiles gratefully “Thank you”

“No problem” Dave opens the last door “Now it ain’t much, but you’ll like it” Dave gives him the key as he walks past “You know where my room is, and the rest of the gang?”

“Yeah”

“Cool, cool”

FP steps inside, there’s a small living/dining/kitchen area upon walking into the room. The space looks as large as a living room, but everything meshed together makes the room feel cluttered. Walking into the center he can see a small hall to his left, one open door reveals the bathroom and the other open door reveals the bedroom.

“If you ever need anything, just holler” Dave pats him on the back and leaves, shutting the door with a soft click.

FP drops his bags on the floor and falls onto the couch.

Everything hits him hard again.

Fred, and Mary, and now that baby.

If it was only Mary involved FP thinks that he would’ve calmed down in one day.

He knows for a solid fact that Fred doesn’t care for her romantically.

FP halts, Fred...doesn’t...harbour romantic feelings for her, right?

He tries to recall any moments he had with Fred and if the other man had ever acted suspicious.

He had been withdrawn for a bit, but not to the extent that he would go to someone else for comfort.

Did...did FP drive him to this?

Was Fred never truly fine after their fight at Alice’s party? He did never seem to be completely alright after that, although he did play it off fine enough for someone who didn’t know him as well as FP did.

All those little signs, those small indicators that something was a miss, FP never acted on those signs. And if he did, how would their relationship of changed?

FP presses the heels of his palms into his eyes and wills those thoughts down. It doesn’t work, so FP stands and heads for his door. He turns it and pulls it open, then heads back down to the bar.

“Whatever is the strongest drink you have” FP demands

“Are you sure?”

“Yes”

Dave doesn’t ask anything more and makes the drink for him. He places the glass in front of FP when he’s done.

FP takes it and downs it in one go.

He orders another one, and one more after that. Then he moves onto hard liquor, and downs those quickly.

When he’s feeling pleasantly drunk he stumbles to the dance floor and loses himself to the crowd.

* * *

FP retches loudly into the toilet, the sound echoing off the cheap tiles of his bathroom.

He sits miserably against the bathtub, waiting for another round to empty his stomach.

His heaves air in and out of his lungs, trying to regulate himself.

He feels another round start and leans over the toilet bowl.

Except it’s just some acid and a lot of dry heaving. He holds himself above it just in case. When he feels himself evening out he leans back.

His headache seems to be splitting his skull open, and he wishes that he asked Dave for medicine.

When the overall feeling of wanting to puke subsided he stands and rinses his mouth out, then quickly showers. He goes down to the bar and asks Dave for some medicine. The man returns seconds later with said medicine, a glass of water and a packet of peanuts. He hands them all over to FP “Eat something too”

FP nods and takes the tablet quickly with the water. Then reluctantly he opens the packet of peanuts and slowly eats. He has to stop after four, and puts the packet beside the empty glass.

He asks Dave something that has been bugging him since he woke “Dave, when’s the next Serpent initiation?”

Dave glances back to him with a confused look, and thinks for a moment “Uh, tomorrow? I think”

FP nods “Good”

Dave steps over to him “What? You going to join?”

“Yup, follow in my dad’s steps”

Dave laughs “You going to run the Serpents?”

FP nods as much as the headache will allow “I was already a member, now I just gotta initiate”

Dave nods “Alright, I’ll have a drink waiting for you when you’re done”

FP grins “It’s a deal”

* * *

“Now boys, I claim thee as new serpents!”

Madd hands Crash some jackets “Come over here for your jackets!”

FP and the other men step forward, each going through and talking to Crash about this, that, and jacket size. FP just grabs his and leaves quickly, the promise of a drink pulling him to the bar. Dave greets him with a bright smile “All right! As per tradition” he pulls a cup and a bottle of whiskey out from under the bar “When a younglin is initiated I have to serve him a shot of whiskey” he pours the whiskey up to half way and hands it over to FP.

FP raises it up in a silent toast

Dave lowers his head in a short bow, then leaves to serve other customers. FP is just about to take another sip when he hears “FP”

He knows that voice, he lowers his glass back on top of the bar with barely concealed anger “What are you doing here?” He refuses to turn around

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Fred stand beside him “I need to talk to you”

“Nothing to talk about”

“Yes there is, FP please”

FP slowly turns his gaze to Fred, all the unspoken emotions shining in his cold look, he seethes “Why? Go live your picture perfect life with your model wife and brilliant son”

Fred shakes his head “She’s not my dream. I’ve never wanted a shiny life, FP. I only wanted you, whether that entailed a four story mansion or shitty VW that was older than us combined, it doesn’t matter to me” Fred pleads “please talk to me”

“Leave”

“FP-“

FP stands, using his superior height to tower over him even though the height difference wasn’t much “I’m a Serpent now and I don’t want anything to do with you anymore”

Fred goes to respond, but Dave cuts him off “FP, is there a problem?”

FP’s gaze never cuts away from Fred’s “No, Dave, Fred was just leaving”

Fred glances over to the bartender, and can see that now he has no choice.

He spares one last look to FP, and leaves.

FP watches him go, then sits back down in his chair and downs his drink.

“I don’t mean to pry, but to confirm I guess that’s the ex?”

FP nods and pushes his empty glass towards him, Dave refills then pushes it back to him. FP takes the shot, savouring the way it burns his throat. When the whiskey is all gone his eyes return to Dave’s “We were together, but he cheated”

Dave whistles lowly “Damn, man, that’s low”

FP shakes his head “That’s not even the worst part. He’s my best friend and I dated a few people before him but they all cheated and he knows that” FP shakes his head and stares back into his empty glass, muttering under his breath “I just thought he was different”

* * *

FP stops going to school, it grated on his nerves seeing everyone so picturesque. Plus he didn’t want to see Fred either, or anyone he knew there. So he transferred to South Side High, just for the sake of graduating. He gets more involved with the Serpents, and helps Dave tend the bar.

Fred comes to the bar every now and then, but the bouncer outside, Mark, works with one of the servers to tell Dave to alert FP of his presence. At those times FP wonders off to the kitchen, he can’t stand the sight of Fred currently and he doesn’t know when he will.

Fred hurt him, and it wasn’t just on the surface. It was deep, and it was, still is, painful.

FP gave himself over to him fully, trusted him with everything he had. They had been through so much together, and when it was finally looking bright...She came into the picture, with a baby.

And what hurt the most wasn’t how the new was presented, but by **who**.

FP feels like Fred strung him along for almost a year, he can’t tell anymore what was the truth and what was a lie between them.

It’s difficult to process, and FP just doesn’t want to deal with the heartache.

Lucy, one of the chefs, tells him that Fred has left.

He thanks her and steps back out to the bar. He sees Dave looking down at something “Dave, what do you have there?”

Dave whisks around, clutching an envelope to his chest “Good Christ, FP!”

FP eyes him suspiciously

Dave relents “Fine” he holds the envelope out to him “Fred was just here and wanted you to see this”

FP shakes his head “No”

“FP, this seemed to be important”

FP hesitates a moment longer, then snatches it from him and tears it open.

_FP_

_I know you don’t want to see me but I just have to tell you this,_

_I’m moving to college, the fancy one two states over. Remember how we made fun of it?_

_Yeah, I do. And I miss those nights with you, the days too._

_I’m sorry for cheating, and I know you would’ve had some twisted thought of how it was your fault but please believe me when I say it wasn’t. It was mine, and that’s my burden to bear. I’m just so sorry that it hurt you, and that I didn't tell you sooner. That’s something I don’t think I’ll ever get over._

_I know you won’t forgive me, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself either. Just please, talk to me?_

_If you never want to see me again, I wish you all the best then. Don’t shut yourself off from the world. Find someone who makes you happy, someone who makes you smile._

_-Fred_

He stares, and stares some more.

He reads it again, and again.

“FP” Dave whispers

FP looks up at him, but it feels like they are miles apart

“Is everything ok?”

FP stares at him, opening and closing his mouth without ever producing a sound.

“What...what does it say?”

FP closes his mouth after trying to speak again and stares back at the letter.

With slightly numb fingers, he hands the letter over to Dave “What should I do?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As stated in a previous chapter, I know nothing of American colleges and what has the best programs for specific degrees (google was no help) so I am very vague on the colleges they go to.

Fred smiles upon the closing ceremony speech of their graduation, certificate in one hand and a smile hurting his face. He laughs along with Alice, Mary and Hermione.

“I can’t believe we did it!” Mary cheers

“I know! I didn’t think I was going to make it” Alice says cheerily

“I knew I was” Hermione pipes in “I have to go to college”

Mary laughs and Alice huffs

“Agreed” Fred says, he turns to Hermione “Which college are you going to?”

“The one with the best business program”

“Of course” Alice says

“Let’s not fight” Mary says “We just graduated”

Alice nods, so does Hermione.

“Why don’t we celebrate tonight?” Alice suggests “Party at my place?”

“Nooo” Fred disagrees “I’ve had enough parties for a lifetime”

Mary nods too “I’ve got Archie to look after tonight”

“And I’ve got a date” Hermione says

“Ugh, boring”

* * *

For the free time he has before he has to move he spends as much time as he can outside. Sometimes he is with Mary and Archie. They are either at the park, or Mary’s place, sometimes Fred’s. Archie has become more aware of his world, and it’s cute watching him interact with things. At Mary’s place she has musical rattles for Archie that he loves to use to hit people with, and a light up plastic mirror that could amuse Archie for hours. Their parents have been supportive of them, although Mary’s mother was upset that they weren’t in a relationship, but she seems to be accepting it more and more as the days go on.

When he’s not with her Fred spends time with his other friends. They hang out at the mall and check out the different stores, sometimes they spend money, but most times they do not. They also visit the arcade, that is where most of their money is spent. They love the verses games, where they have friendly competitions and wager food or place stupid bets like buying a ridiculous item from the mall or daring them to ask something of the arcade attender, like ‘Marshmallow Marathon is broken and I need to finish it to collect the Sugar Biscuits.’ When they aren’t at the arcade or the mall they’re at each other’s houses, playing board games or video games. Sometimes they like to continue their bets for the loser to do something stupid.

In the break before his leave he loves spending time with others, it clears his mind and keeps him busy. But the ache still haunts him at night, still keeps him up. If he could go back and fix things, he would. But he can’t, and he has to live with that. If FP never forgives him, then that’s his choice and Fred would have to live with that, whether he wants to or not.

* * *

Inevitably, the time comes to moves. Fred packs his room slowly. Anything precious went in one box, and anything necessary went in another. Everything else was just left here.

Slowly but surely, his room becomes more and more bare. And as it does, he reminisces about FP. He can’t help it, they’ve been best friends since they were little and their lives have always been so close.

He packs away his two trophies, and remembers FP cheering him on from the sidelines.

He packs away his board games, and remembers all those late nights staying up to finish their game.

He packs away his CDs, remembering all those songs he listened to with FP or the CDs he had bought for Fred.

He grabs and holds his game cases, remembering the first game FP had gotten him, and playing the nights away.

He blushes and remembers when things had taken a more intimate route, and returns the case to its place. But he doesn’t let go, instead keeping his fingers on it lightly.

He misses FP so much, he misses his voice, and his body, his spirit and personality. How he could be the center of Fred’s attention with practically no effort. He misses holding him in the night, or being held by him. He misses their days spent doing absolutely nothing, or going out on an adventure with just the two of them.

He remembers having a dream of just them two, on the road and seeing the world. Or starting a business together and becoming successful.

If they had separate families he envisioned that they would all grow up together.

Scratch that, he wanted to be with FP for a while now, and envision a life _together_.

But, he screwed that up.

He breathes in, and packs the final items into the correct boxes.

He stands and leaves his room, taking the box to the car and putting it in the back with the rest of his stuff.

He enters the house to make one final check of his room.

It’s mostly bare, and he takes a moment to collect himself.

Then, he creeps back downstairs and goes outside.

“Ready?” His father asks behind him, standing just beside the doorway

Fred takes one last long look at his house, then nods

His mother comes out then “Oh, I’m going to miss you, Fred” she hugs him tight

Fred hugs her back, then pulls away “Don’t worry, I’ll keep in contact” he sees his father enter the car and walks towards it too.

Just before he opens the passenger door his dad asks “Are you ready, Fred?”

Fred stops and takes on last look at the house, and one final look down the road.

Then he looks to his father with what he hopes looks like resolve “Yeah” he nods “I’m ready” he opens the car door and sits down. He clicks in his seat beat as his father backs out. When he drives down the street Fred gazes out the window, reminiscing about places as they go by.

Take two turns to the left and they are at his school, they drive by the park where he and Mary sat with Archie, he sees the top of the mall where he spent a lot of time with his friends, the most memorable trip being with Hermione and Alice and the two would argue constantly. He also knows that the arcade is just a street over from the mall. He sees the old movie theater and library that got shut down. The police station two turns to the right, and the tracks indicating the start of South Side just a few streets over.

He also looks for FP, for any chance that he might be around. If he caught a glimpse of that man he would demand his father to stop and he would jump out of the car, hoping the seat belt didn’t trip him up, and race over to him. He would yell _‘FP, I’m so sorry!’_ And hope FP would just _look_ at him.

But he knows his chances are next to none, but he hopes, he wishes, just for one final goodbye, one last chance.

* * *

He steps into his college dorm room, two boxes in his arms and his father pulling a suitcase for him.

There’s nothing in the room but two beds, two dressers, and two desks and chairs.

“I guess my roommate isn’t here yet” Fred mumbles. Fred decides he’ll take the side furthest from the door, he turns to his dad “Just put my suitcase next to the dresser on the left side”

“Ok” his dad strolls it over and places it in front of it

Fred places his boxes on his desk

His dad turns to him “So, you going to be ok?”

A million things rushes through his head, he lets each thought run through, then lets them go. He nods slowly to his dad “Yeah, I’ll be ok”

His dad nods and hugs him.

Fred hugs back, then pulls away “I’ll see you in the break”

“I look forward to it” His dad pats him on the shoulder one last time, and leaves.

Fred sets up his side of the room. Firstly, he empties his stationary onto the desk. His pencil case and books sitting neatly on top of the desk. He turns to his suitcase and starts emptying his clothes into the dresser. For now he keeps some ornaments in their boxes. He stands back and takes a look about the room, it looks kind of funny with just one half completed. But he shrugs, it won’t be long before a roommate shows up and fills the space.

A knock startles him, and some boy pokes his head in the open door “Hi, I’m Jake, a student councilor. I’m here to help the newbies settle in, and help guide you to wherever you need. Oh and here” he hands Fred a paper “This is for orientation, IT students start first, then engineering, business and so forth. It’s all there” he points to the paper in Fred’s hands “So if you need something, just ask any of us in these shirts” he gestures to his own green shirt with ‘councilor’ on it

Fred nods “Ok, thanks”

Jake nods, and leaves. Fred can hear him talking to others down the hall.

He takes a look at the paper, and gets ready for orientation.

After a week of college he returns to find the right side of his room somewhat decorated. The desk has different stationery stuff on it, the dresser looks messier, and there’s a single bag sitting beside the bed.

He doesn’t question it, and just hopes his roommate isn’t some creep.

He sits down at his desk and pulls his notebook and textbook out and starts reading through and taking notes.

He hears the click of the door opening, hears it scrapping across the carpet as it goes. He doesn’t turn around, thinking it’s just his new roommate.

But when he hears the soft “Fred” from behind he freezes and drops his pencil.

He turns slowly, as if in a trance.

Just in the doorway, looking like a ghost, is the one person he thought he'd never see again 

Fred stands up and whispers “FP?”

FP nods, and the two stare at each other for sometime, as if they couldn’t believe that the other person was standing across from them.

Then FP adverts his eyes, and hesitantly starts “I...I read your letter”

Fred still stands there in shock, waiting for FP to continue “I...I just wished you told me. Not Mary, but you. Cause that’s what hurt the most. And for sometime I thought that it was my fault, I wasn’t open or fair to you”

Fred opens his mouth to say something, but FP puts up his hand to silence him “But as I thought more, and after reading your letter, I realize the fault was both of ours. Not yours, not mine, ours” FP takes in a shaky breath “And if...We are to move forward, we’ve gotta trust each other more” FP’s gaze locks back onto Fred’s “I got to be more open with you, cause you’re my best friend and...someone I love dearly." he mumbles, then raises his voice again "But you, you’ve got to talk to me more. Don’t just bottle things up and hope they pass, trust me like I trust you”

Fred nods unsure of what to say.

So he lets the silence stretch, waiting for FP to say something.

But when he doesn’t, Fred asks “So, what does this mean for us?”

“I...want us to be together. I can’t forget you, hell I can’t even get you out of my head. But if that’s not something-“

“No” Fred cuts him off “I want to be with you”

A small smile plays on FP’s tired features

But Fred has to clarify things “FP, I can’t say sorry enough for what I’ve done. I understand if you don’t ever truly forgive me for it-“

“It’s ok” FP cuts him off “I forgive you”

Fred can’t help but stride forward and pull him into a tight hug.

FP hugs him back just as tight, burying his face into Fred’s neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good ending? Bad ending? Better than the other piece?


End file.
